Thursday, September 8, 2011

Swim Lessons: Dontcha Wish Your Mom Was Hot Like Me?

Swim Lessons are lessons I've learned from being a single mom that are encouragement to other single parents, and as it turns out, married parents too! The biggest lesson is, as Dory from Finding Nemo says, "Just keep swimming!" The rest are nuggets of truth I've learned along the way that made the difference between drowning and survival.

Swim Lesson #2: A cross between exercise, time management and staying positive about body image.

Dontcha Wish Your Mom Was Hot Like Me?
First posted 1.26.10

So, I do my best to switch up my exercise routine from time to time, just to keep things fun and interesting. If you get bored, you’re gonna quit! I enjoy running (more like trotting for me, which is a notch below a jog), and I have an array of step aerobics DVDs at home. I also try to take the stairs from time to time, and have a significant hike from our work parking lot to the building each day. And you tell me that lugging around two 30lb munchkins isn’t a workout (or chasing them for that matter)!

Something I really love is dancing. I was a dancer from childhood through my sophomore year in college, and haven’t been involved in any formal classes since. So, when I saw the Pussycat Dolls workout DVD, I got a little excited. All workout DVDs were on sale that week, and I happened to have a coupon for one, so it was a no brainer. Now, I’m all about hittin’ the dance floor on a Saturday night, but I probably look a lot more like Molly Ringwald (think Breakfast Club library scene) than PCD front woman Nicole Scherzinger. I figured it was time to introduce a little sexy into my life.

Kids picked up from daycare, check. Kids hosed down, strapped to kitchen table (figuratively) and fed, check. Load of laundry started and dishes put away, check. Time for mommy to get her groove on.

Confession #1: I decided to wear some Forever21 zebra print short shorts (purchased as a costume for an 80s themed murder mystery dinner, intended to be worn OVER a pair of leggings) and a bright green sports bra only, in an absurd attempt at harnessing my inner goddess.

Confession #2: It’s not a good sign when your 3 year old asks you why you’re walking around in your underwear.

Push play. Overlook the fact that EVERYONE on the video has obviously had “work” of some sort done. Note to self: do NOT look down at your own flabby mom tummy (why didn’t I put a shirt on again?). Warm up, hip sways, I’ve totally got this. First dance is to Dontcha. My confident warm up soon turned into the following.

Aidan: “Mom, you’re doing it wrong.”
Missy: (sweating and breathing irregularly) “Aidan, eat your dinner and let mommy exercise.”
Aidan: “Is that exercise?”
Missy: “Yes, son.”
Aidan: “Mom, pause it so I can come dance with you.”

Before you know it, I’m dancing to “Dontcha” with my 3 year old on my left and my 2 year old on my right, following the instructions from a video that at best could be classified as soft porn. Anyone else see something wrong with this picture? Push pause. Time for bath. 2 year old gets in, and 3 year old needs to go “number two.” Perfect. I might actually be able to get through the burlesque number (which involved a lot of ham string annihilating squatty-bend-over-moves to pick up my boa/old navy fleece scarf) and have exercised a full 25 minutes. Then comes this:

Instructor: “And now you’re ready for your sexy burlesque performance with the Pussycat Dolls!”

Aidan: “Mooommmmyyyyy!!! Come wiiiiiiipe my buuuuuttt!!!!”

I have ceased to feel sexy.

Wipe three year old. Dunk him in bath. Finish the last number on the DVD. Get kids out of bath, put pjs on them, turn on cartoons and retreat to bedroom to hide. Oh, and do an insane amount of crunches and push-ups just in case ANYONE wants to seem my bare body again, ever. Dontcha wish your mom was hot like me? (I'm totally the short-haired blonde one below.)


Erin said...

oh Missy. thank you for reposting this one. I so needed the giggle break this morning. ahem. i mean afternoon.

Missy Rose said...

you are so welcome!


Find me at Tulsa Family Doulas

Join me at the 2015 SMTULSA Conference!

Site design by: The Blog Decorator